a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

One day, I will seriously blog about something funny or nonsensical or entertaining... one day. Today unfortunately is not that day. Today, I will continue the outpouring of my soul to an anonymous no one that is my completely reader-less blog (a fact for which I am extremely thankful because I understand fully well that this isn't going to be pretty!). Today, I am sad. And if you know me... you know that I don't do sad very well. I don't like sad. Who does?! I also, for some reason, don't think I can be sad in front of anyone that I know or love because I worry more about the pain I'm causing them than the pain I'm experiencing myself. So I'll be sad on my blog today.. again.
 
Mothers Day 2012 was actually one of the toughest days I've experienced yet. You see, for about 16 days prior to Mother's Day 2012... I was a mother. No, I never held my baby. I never even saw him or her on an ultrasound, but I was pregnant for about 16 days, and as crazy as it sounds, I now believe motherhood starts at conception. The feelings of protectiveness, selflessness-- they pretty much start from day one. For 16 days, Jefforey and I experienced an unbelievable gift! We were overjoyed, and against my better judgement-- unable to keep our secret. We just shared our exciting news with our closest friends and family members, but still... I had reservations about this joy. See, we have walked through unbelievably dark times with several of our dearest friends through the pain of infertility, multiple miscarriages and even still birth. Pregnancy is different than having a baby. I knew that. I also knew that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage... still, the joy was uncontainable. It was a joy unlike anything I've ever known or experienced. Every moment was filled with dreams for what his or her future would hold, what holding him or her the first time would feel like, what he or she would look like, act like, etc. Still.. I had my reservations.

I believe God was preparing my heart for the news I received on Thursday, May 3rd. I went to my 6 wks doctor's appointment for my first ultrasound, and they did not see anything except obvious early signs of pregnancy. I was assured that everything looked fine, but I was probably just earlier into the pregnancy than we thought. I wouldn't know anything until Monday when I got my 2nd round of bloodwork to compare my pregnancy hormone levels to be sure. My gut told me that we may experience loss, but Susie Sunshine here-- I just ignored my gut and kept my happy self situated firmly on the bright side. Glass half full, please! I went on to the beach for my best friend's bachelorette party I had been planning and kept reading my "What to Expect" books.

On Monday, I had 2 major events to manage, but also had to get my blood work checked to see if my hormone levels were increasing or decreasing. I got the call at my VIP luncheon I was managing, the news was not good, yet I did not even allow myself a second to shed a tear. I took the news that my numbers were decreasing, and that I would likely start bleeding soon, making the miscarriage "official." I kept moving at light speed because I didn't have time to be sad. I had events to run. My eyes welled up with tears, which I quickly blinked away. I got yogurt and a Dr. Pepper, and went on about my day. I told everyone (almost) that knew we were pregnant in a text like this..."Well.. the good news is I can have caffeine again, and the nausea that's been my constant companion might actually go away for a while... the bad news is.. we aren't going to have a baby in December any more:( but God is in control, and I'm resting in the Sovereignty of the Almighty today. Hopefully someday soon, I will get to share more good news with you!" I've never thought that denial would be a coping mechanism I would use. Now, distraction on the other hand... I'm a big fan of! So for days, I have distracted myself with anything and everything possible. First it was the bachelorette trip I had planned the day I first got the news. Then, it was an overwhelming work load when I got the REAL news. Then, it was an even MORE overwhelming work load when the miscarriage process actually began... which I didn't handle quite as well just because my body all but REFUSED to allow me to be distracted. And THEN... my overwhelming work load (AKA the Tour de Cure, my biggest event of the year) was over, and my boss (lovingly) forced me to take 2 days off. And now, I'm sad.

 I don't WANT anyone to see me being sad. I don't want to admit that there is darkness in me. I want so badly for people to ONLY see the light that is the reflection of God's love and hope in Jesus Christ in me. But I also believe that God made me an extreme extrovert for a purpose! I am an external processor if there has ever been one! Seriously, you might see my picture in a dictionary beside the term. I have to believe that God has me walking through this darkness for a reason-- a purpose that will reveal His Glory some way and somehow! I am resting in the comfort and indescribable peace that His plans for me are GOOD! He is sovereign, and in all things- He is in control!

This dark time has brought up a philosophical question-- can you see light without the existence of darkness? Isn't it true that a light shines much brighter in contrast to the dark? So maybe I am supposed to share that this trying time is painful. It is dark. When I allow myself to be alone with my thoughts with no distractions, I am SAD. Sure, this is NOTHING in comparison to what so many of my friends have had to walk through, but it still stinks. I was a Mother for 16 days, and now.. I'm not. I will never know this child, and that loss is real. I'm trying to learn that it is OK to be real... not just with myself, but with others. Showing sadness does NOT affect my faith. Hopefully, it can strengthen it. It is my prayer that God will allow others to see pain and healing and HOPE! But pretending to be fine-- to ignore the broken heart I have-- that cannot be the example I am supposed to lead... if so-- why would there be so many verses in the Bible about brokenness and sorrow.

Isaiah 26:3 ESV "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you"

1 Peter 5:7 ESV "Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

Psalm 147:3 ESV "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Psalm 34:18 ESV "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

Matthew 5:1-4 ESV "Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

1 Thessalonians 4:13 ESV "But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope."

Thank God I have hope. Thank God that He heals the brokenhearted... that HE provides comfort. Otherwise, I don't think it would be possible to be surrounded by babies and news about other expectant mothers everywhere I turn. The pain would be completely overwhelming. So for now, I am keeping my mind on Jesus. I am trusting God to bring us through this sadness. I am casting my anxieties on Him because He cares for me! I am going to be sad... admittedly SAD.. because He HEALS the brokenhearted. He binds their wounds. He is near to those of us who are crushed in spirit. He calls us BLESSED because He will comfort us. We do not have to grieve as others do, but that does NOT mean that we do not get to grieve! We just grieve with HOPE. Hope for tomorrow. Hope for a future because we can stand on promises that are REAL. Praise God!

 Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."