Goodbye 2012... hello 2013

I am spending the remaining hours of 2012 in my PJs with my feet up in a recliner looking out at the Smoky Mountains surrounded by great friends.  This might be the ONLY day in 2012 that I am trying to be bored, but it sounded like a terrific option to me.  Jefforey and I joined Anna and Jeremy Smith and Amberly, Kyle and Lainey Baugh for a 3 night get-a-way to the Smokies to ring in the New Year.  Today, Jefforey went with the Baughs into town to escape cabin fever with the 2 year old.  And as much as I dislike missing out on any action or anything fun… I couldn’t bear the thought of being surrounded by hoards of strangers in the Pigeon Forge outlets today.  So I am sitting my happy self here… like a knot on a log, and I’m loving every minute of it.
 

As I reflect on 2012, it has been a year of continued transition—for which I am both thankful, and ready to leave behind.  For years, I have longed to feel “settled,” and I think we are getting there, but at the same time, I have also learned in these last few years that “settled” may not be in the cards.  As I have repeated so often to remind myself… God has not called us here to be comfortable, but to be the salt and light to a dark world, which is more than likely going to be uncomfortable in every way!  In 2013, I really just want to make my agenda—follow Jesus and HIS agenda.  The end.  Pretty simple list of resolutions, when you look at it that way.  I wanted to take some time to digest the things I’ve learned from the loss I’ve experienced in 2012, and I do have some resolutions that stem from those lessons, but again… the simple resolution is—Follow Jesus.  He was the answer for the world 2000 years ago when he was born in a manger in Bethlehem, and he is STILL the answer for every single question facing our civilization today (and boy are there lots of them!)

In 2012, I left a few things behind that I loved dearly…

In March, I said “goodbye for now” to my Granddaddy.  Not a single day has gone by since that I have not thought of him and selfishly wished he were still here.  I still catch myself trying to call occasionally to tell him about my day, or to talk to him about Trace Parker.  I am most sad that Trace will never get to experience his amazing love—or his cooking.  

Because of this goodbye in 2012—I resolve in 2013 to be better at relationships.  I have a tendency to become so goal oriented, focused and driven that I forget to sit back and enjoy the people God has placed in my life.  I have to get better at this….”just being” with the ones I love.

In June, I said goodbye to my job as manager of fundraising and events for the Alabama/Mississippi chapter of the American Diabetes Association—a job and co-workers that had completed me for 3-1/2 years.  A job where I was completely and utterly satisfied… it was not perfect (as no job or anything else could be), but it was darn near close.  I loved it, and it was VERY difficult to say goodbye.  I know it was necessary to move forward, though.   I am not going to pretend that I haven’t had doubts about my transition, or pretend that I haven’t missed that job!  In the end, only God’s calling and my obedience to that call really matters.  I felt and still feel strongly that I was being called to work at Hospice of Marshall County.  Also, taking a few steps back and gaining a different perspective, I can now see that there were many things about my job at ADA that were unhealthy.  I’ve never been very good at balance, for starters.  That is no surprise to me or anyone who knows me… when I’m in—I’m all in. 

Because of this goodbye in 2012, I resolve in 2013 to not let my work define me…. To remember that I am defined as a child of the King.  I find my strength and my worth, not in the accomplishments of my employment or the approval of my superiors, but in the blood of Jesus.  I resolve to continue to passionately pursue my career “as if working for the Lord and not for men.”  While remaining passionate about my job, I want to be sure and keep my definiteness of purpose finely attuned to the word of God.

In September, I said goodbye to a new church family and areas of service that I had grown to love in a short amount of time.   I had just gotten comfortable singing in the praise band at the Church at Lake Guntersville, volunteering with the kids ministry and teaching some really awesome 3^rd grade girls in AWANA on Wednesday night.  We had gotten settled into a new home group, and we were just getting settled… when we felt a calling for a new direction.  So in September, we said hello to a new adventure as Jefforey and I accepted the position as part-time youth directors for Albertville First United Methodist Church. It is a different situation than we’ve ever been in… one that we certainly didn’t expect or even mean to pray for, but again, we believe that we are being obedient to God’s call.  Any nuances or comfort zones shifts that come along with that are secondary. In 2013, I resolve to pour my heart into this new church and move past my preconceived notions and love people where they are, for who they are.  I vow to do a better job of seeing people as God sees them—through the filter of Jesus!  We are all just a bunch of sinners saved by God’s amazing grace trying to figure things out as we go, afterall!

In December, I said goodbye to an old, dear friend in my car—Fiona.  I had received my 2000 silver Pontiac Firebird for Christmas in 2000 when I was just 15 years old.  It was the best Christmas gift ever—keys in the bottom of my stocking on Christmas morning.  What an amazing memory!!  And wow-- She was a great car… took me over 204,000 miles.  I often joked that she and I had become one.  While the driver’s seat was effectively molded to fit my rump… it had become difficult at 7 months pregnant to get in and out of her 6 inch off the ground seats! 

 As with many things in my life, it was time to step out of my comfort zone and into something new!  On December 8^th, Jefforey and I made our very first car purchase.  We found a great deal on a 2011 copper-colored Ford Explorer.  I love it!  I will love it even more when it is fixed—unfortunately within 10 days, I was in a traffic accident when a vehicle ran a red light as I was coming through it, but all is well!

Overall, 2012 was a year of big changes.  Other changes not already mentioned include the ever-changing nature of our house, which has been in pretty constant flux over 2012—new roof, new windows, new siding… the list goes on!

This shows you some history of the house...

not great quality photo, but you can see the progress-- just needs paint now!

  And obviously the biggest change has been the whole pregnancy thing.  First the miscarriage in May changed me forever.   And every single day since July 15^th (my 27^th birthday)  the joy of a (so far so good) healthy pregnancy changes me (and my waistline)in new and exciting ways!  Our whole lives will change completely in the next 3 months when Trace Parker joins our world more tangibly.  He is DEFINITELY already changing our lives—not just my eating/drinking habits and my figure J  He has become quite active in the past several weeks. There are no words to describe how cool it is to feel him react to loud noises, sweet and savory foods and his daddy’s voice.  I am so thankful that I have been given this time to get to know him in a unique way.  We have a singular opportunity to bond like no one else ever will… after all, he is the only one who knows what my heart, my voice, etc. sounds like from the inside!  I am so excited to meet him in 2013!

So while there were definitely some sad parts of 2012, over all—it was an amazing year filled with God’s blessings.  I am anxious to see what 2013 has in store! 

Merry Christmas from the Morgans!

Wreath Monogram Christmas

Create from the Heart: photo Christmas cards from Shutterfly .

View the entire collection of cards.

2012 marks the first Christmas we have ever sent an official photo Christmas card.  Sad, but true.  And I really didn't do a very good job at creating our mailing list-- or ordering as many as I should have!  So here's a peak at our card.  Merry Christmas from the Morgans!

It's a BOY!

After what seemed like months of eager anticipation, on Thursday, Oct. 25th, we FINALLY drove down to our 19 week appointment for our anatomy sonogram.  Neither Jefforey, nor I, slept very much on Wednesday night.  We were too excited to see our baby again, and at last be able to call him or her by his or her proper pronoun!  We were so ready to find out, but mostly to see that he or she was healthy!

Apparently, one of my last photos did not look very accurate because I was wearing a loose sweater... so upon request, here's the bump at 19 weeks:

In my anxiety, I scheduled a CRAZY work week-- appointment after appointment-- to prevent the week from dragging by.  I even scheduled a meeting in Birmingham right before our appointment to keep my mind off the ultrasound!  Sweet Jefforey kindly drove to my sponsorship request meeting and waited "patiently"!   Finally, we arrived in the St. Vincent's parking deck where we snapped this fun gender reveal shot-- pink or blue?!

We got to go right back to the Ultrasound waiting area and got called in (by my favorite tech) a few minutes later.  Thankfully, we didn't have to wait long to see that sweet baby.  Everything looked good! Praise the Lord.  He showed us his 10 fingers, 10 toes, functioning 4 chamber heart, all critical organs appeared to be in working order.  It was absolutely amazing.  I couldn't stop smiling, and neither could Jefforey.  It is a priceless memory!  We didn't find out the sex right away... but it wasn't long before he got over his modesty and started "showing his stuff."   He did NOT want to be mistaken for a girl.  He proudly placed his little hiney directly onto the ultrasound wand and spread 'em :)  (multiple times).  Jefforey joked that he obviously got his modesty from his mother.  We are lucky to have found him in a very "awake state."  He was flipping all over the place!  At one point, he even flexed his left arm muscle, to which Jefforey and I both almost shouted!  "It's a sign!  He is going to be left handed...at least for sports!" :)  He really did look like a little athlete in training in there-he was doing crunches, flexing his guns, standing on his head, stretching his calves.  I'm telling you- he is already in training!  Obviously, a little phenom in waiting!  You can go ahead and put him on the watch list for the 2030 Olympics :)

 I planned to let a select few family and friends know before going to our scheduled gender reveal dinner at the Seales's home.  However, as we were wrapping up the appointment, my cell phone died.  Talk about horrendous timing!  The phone was SO dead, in fact, that it took almost an hour to charge enough to turn back on.  I had several really funny texts from anxious friends when it finally turned back on.  Sorry to have worried everyone!!  I was so honored and overwhelmed to see how many people cared to find out about Baby Morgan.  It was so much fun!!    I sent the picture below to my family and my "baby updates" group on my phone.  I later learned that my new text group didn't work out very well... I felt awful that some dear friends thought they were left out!  Again... sorry about that!  We will get it fixed!

It's a BOY!

We went by to tell my old co-workers the exciting news and show off our 24 photos that St. Vincent's gave us!  Then, we headed to Calera to have dinner with our old home group family.   I was so grateful that Jason and Alicia cooked for us and had most of the crew together again... just like old times.  Erin even bought some really cute gender-reveal props, and we took a couple of cute pictures with everyone's guesses.

After the guesses, we left the room and came back like THIS...

And, of course, showed off our boy through his first photos all over again! 

Loved seeing him sucking that little thumb!

We have really enjoyed the past few days-- sharing the news with everyone and showing of the photos.  I had a suspicion all along that he was a he :)  I'm so thankful he looks to be healthy and strong.  I praise God for allowing us the technology to see this amazing process.  I have a new appreciation for this verse.... just incredible.

Psalm 139:13- "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb."

The most common question so far:  Do you have a name picked out?
Yes-- Trace Parker Morgan!

Jefforey is actually Jefforey Allen Morgan, Jr.  so our son would be a third.  Instead of using "Jefforey Allen Morgan, III" and calling him "Trace (for tres)" -- we just wanted to simply and NAME him Trace!  And Parker is my Granny Nita's maiden name... one that most people called her, by the way.  I have every intention of calling him by both names-- Trace Parker, BUT there's a bit of debate about that in our house at the moment :)

Jefforey is still on cloud nine, as am I.  Every now and then, one of us will just float around with a goofy grin on our face and say "we're having a BOY!" Oh what BIG dreams we have for you, little buddy!  Whatever it is that you decide you want to do, we support you as long as you do it for the Lord... not for us!  I know God has big plans for you!

We are so thankful God chose us to bring Trace Parker into this world, and we're counting down the days until March 24th (or 21st, or 26th... whatever day he decides to come!)

Friday Ramblings-- A Disclaimer about This Blog

If you know me at all, you know that I was born with LOTS of opinions.  Not saying that is good, bad or otherwise, but it is certainly the truth.  Generally, I have opinions about EVERYTHING.  Lots of which, I am not even remotely educated enough about to qualify my thoughts as an opinion, but that's never stopped me from sharing those opinions!  When I started this blog, I thought I would share my thoughts about politics, sports, world events, books, random things I find entertaining to help enlighten any of my friends who choose to read my thoughts on what I enjoyed.  Apparently, I have re-evaluated that purpose, and I felt that this blog needed a disclaimer!

I was just looking back over this blog and getting kind of tickled at myself.  I usually would be whining about how bad Auburn Football is this year, ranting about the Presidential Debates, whining about how badly the Braves play in the post-season EVERY year, raving about one of the young adult series I couldn't put down... None of that stuff really matters to me this year, surprisingly!  I think I'm just happy to be in baby mode, and trying to stay remotely even-keel with my usual emotional rollercoaster, so I'm avoiding controversial conversations.... very unlike me.  I'm afraid I'm becoming boring!!  This blog is really quite sad.... written for me, by me with no one else  in mind in the least!  My apologies people.. I hate to be so self absorbed!  So Here's My Official Blog Disclaimer:  

This blog has really just been my online journal.  A way to open up to anyone who might be interested in reading!  But sheesh! It's not even entertaining!! I really should work on this.  I don't want to become bland!  Is that what happens when you have babies?!  You mellow out?!

What this blog is:

• A safe place to share and understand emotions.  That's what I do!  Please know that you are welcome to do the same.
• A place to share what God is doing in my life with anyone that may care to read!

What this blog isn't:

• Informative
• Well-written
• Structured
• About any particular subject matter... who knows what you're going to get other than a big ole batch of my feelings!

What this blog might become:

• A book review one day, a uneducated political rant the next!
• A photo album of my soon-to-be child!
• Completely obsolete!

So I am asking myself, why in the world do this whole blogging thing if I'm not doing it to make a difference for other people?  Well, darn it! I have learned that I actually enjoy putting my thoughts and feelings on "paper."  If I feel like I might want to share that with someone sometime...I suppose I can!  But if, by chance, you have wandered here somehow in search of some sort of expertise on life, love or fill in the blank for the subject of your choice.... I wanted you to know, you're probably not in the right place!

Otherwise, happy reading :)  just remember-- I didn't do this for you, bless your heart. 

Stop and Smell...errr...READ about the roses!

So, for the past month I have been working hard core and pretty much NON-STOP on a federal grant project.  We (at Hospice of Marshall County) are attempting to create a Palliative Care Alliance in Marshall County, and I am super pumped about the opportunity to work on something that hits so close to home.  This program would provide non-hospice comfort care to patients diagnosed with a life-limiting illness, but not yet appropriate for hospice care, or not yet ready to stop receiving disease-altering medications.  My Granddaddy could have really benefited from such a program, and I am now part of an organization trying to get one. It is really cool and affirming that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in terms of my career choices.

With all that said... I estimate that I've spent about 200 hours in the past month (At least 85 in the past week!) researching and writing this grant.  It has been CRAZY! And if you know me, you know that I don't sit still very well.  So sitting at my computer focusing on one task for 200 hours was a stretch!  I was out of my comfort zone for sure.  But, I discovered a ton of helpful information about these programs, which I am super passionate about.  And I discovered some new things about myself as well.  For instance, 17 weeks is NOT too early for your feet to swell, even if you don't look "that" pregnant yet.  Who knew?!  After sitting up at my computer for about 14 hours on Thursday (in the same position), I looked down on Friday morning and noticed that my right foot and ankle were GINORMOUS!    I decided it was time for some changes!  After all, according an article on the livestrong website, "An online journal article of the American Academy of Pediatrics suggests that prenatal stress and anxiety is predictive of certain illnesses and the use of antibiotics after birth. This underscores conventional wisdom that pregnant women should make time for rest and activities that promote peace and relaxation.  "So during a pretty stressful week, I thought it was time that I started thinking about implementing some techniques for relaxation.  You know me-- I have to plan to relax :)

According to Baby Center-- your baby develops a sense of hearing at week 17.  So, Jefforey and I decided it was time to start reading to our baby!  We have heard of many benefits of reading in utero, and while they may all be a big pile of hooey, we love to read aloud together anyway.  So we figure, what's the harm?! 

Not to mention, "A 2008 study from Johns Hopkins University and published on the National Institutes of Health site reports that a fetus responds with beneficial signs in its heart rhythm when a mother experiences induced relaxation. It is unknown how, if at all, a baby in utero benefits from attempts to enrich her through reading, talking and singing."  Read more here.

I will say, even if we don't pop out a child who is automatically enrolled in Mensa upon issuance of his birth certificate-- reading to the baby has proven to be very relaxing and a positive bonding experience for us.  Like every subject, there is a lot of info available online-- event teaching you How to Read to Your Baby inside the womb in case you might be interested!

By the way-- only 9 more days until we know if we're having a boy or girl!  Any predictions?  I finally broke down and took a Gender Predictor Quiz.  It confirmed my thoughts-- we will have a Trace Parker Morgan!  We shall see on Oct. 25th (hopefully)!

Dear Sweet Baby: A Letter to My Unborn Child

Dear Sweet Baby,

We have known that you were going to be a part of our lives for almost 3 months now, but yet... somehow it is just becoming real.  Maybe it is that tiny fluttering I can feel when I get really still and concentrate (especially when your daddy talks to you, I feel you stirring!), or less satisfyingly-- the indigestion that has become my constant companion. :)  Either way, there is definitely not a minute that goes by that you aren't on my brain, in my heart and in my prayers.  Any time that my brain has a moment to be blank, it automatically turns wholeheartedly to you-- wondering what you are doing inside my womb, how you are developing, what you will look like, how you will act.  I am not worrying about you (at least, I'm not speaking that...). I am trying REALLY hard to rely on God's mercy and grace, knowing He has a perfect plan for you, little buddy.  Knowing that He is Sovereign, Almighty and forever in control.  He is creating your delicate features-- fearfully and wonderfully!  He is weaving your personality and who you will become.  It amazes me that the God of the Universe takes such intricate care of each of His children.

 Psalm 139:14 (NIV) I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;   your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

I am so thankful for you, Sweet Baby.  I am thankful not only because you are making my lifelong dream of being a mommy come true, but also because you are teaching me to love my Creator, my Savior even more every day.  Because getting to experience your little life is teaching me new things about love and helping me relate to my Heavenly Father in new and different ways. 

 There are so many lessons I want to teach you... countless things I want you to know from this day forward. You are precious to me.  You are loved and adored.   You are important! I want you to be confident in who you are and who you can be in Christ.  

Ephesians 3:12 (NIV)-  In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

1. You are God's Child- John 1:12
2. You are Christ's friend- John 15:15
3. You can be assured that all things will work together for good- Romans 8:28  
4. You are God's workmanship- created to serve Him.- Ephesians 2:10

God's promises are much better than the ones you will get from us. While you have my word that I will do my best to never break a promise to you, please understand and remember, Sweet Baby, that I am just a sinner-- just like you will be.  We can't expect each other to be perfect because we live in a fallen world.  But Praise God we can rely on One who is Perfect, whose promises will never fail.  

I cannot pretend that I am not scared.  I am afraid to mess up!  I want to be a perfect mom for you... to always do right by you so your feelings are never hurt by me.  Please never doubt how much I love you.  We want the best for you, little one!  You have brought me so much joy in the past 15-1/2 weeks.  I can't even explain the glow of pure happiness I have displayed since I first found out about you. Things that used to aggravate me, they don't seem to matter any more!  You are a light in our lives, and we love you so very much!

Love with every fiber of my being,

Your Mom

Joy Unspeakable

1 Peter 1:8 u"Though you have not seen him, you love him. vThough you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory..."

This is one of my favorite verses of all time, and I will say... lately, it has a new meaning.  In case you haven't heard the news yet.  We are expecting!  God-willing, baby Morgan will arrive sometime between March 20-March 26... smack-dab in the middle of baseball season!  There isn't a whole lot of visible evidence (and I apologize for the poor quality of the photo below), but the tiny baby bump first showed up around 12 weeks, which is the photo you can see below.  We are just over 14 weeks now, and I have so many reasons to be joyful:  the clothes are getting tighter, the nausea and sickness have (FINALLY-- Praise God!) begun to phase out, and I'm beginning to believe that this is really happening!  We are really going to have a baby this time!

God has been working in our lives, and in my feeble human mind-- it seems like this MUST be over-time for our great God!! It is amazing to look back over the past year and a half, and see the many things God has been weaving into our story! An overwhelming theme of these many lessons seems to be "Just wait and see, Annah Grace, you don't have to see the WHOLE picture at once.  TRUST ME!  I am in control. My plans for you are good, and they will be revealed to you in MY time.  Just trust and obey..."  God is working on my patience.  I can feel Him changing my heart.  I am so grateful that He hasn't given up yet because I am one stubborn girl. 

I have been struggling with a lot of fear with this pregnancy.  Not necessarily fear that I admitted readily, but I was not willing to really let it sink in that we are pregnant until very recently.  I didn't want to be excited yet.  I didn't want to tell anyone for a while. I didn't even tell my family until we were past the 8 week mark, and just made it facebook official after my 14 week check up.  But I have really been trying to cast that anxiety on the Lord because I know He cares for me!  I know that fear doesn't come from Him.  So I'm finally talking about our sweet baby, and allowing myself to think and dream of our sweet baby! I cannot WAIT until Oct. 25th when I will hopefully learn if our sweet baby is going to be a boy or girl. (I'm really trying to avoid saying "it" in reference to our little buddy-- because "it" just feels wrong.  I have NO idea how my friends that choose to wait to find out the sex do it!!)

There is a great song called "Wait and See" that Brandon Heath sings.  These lyrics really play on repeat in my head during most days...

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet

Still wonderin' why I'm here.
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... HE's up to something,
And the farther out I go,
I've seen enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'...
He's up to somethin'.

Among many other things-- our move home, job changes for both me and Jefforey, our baby, the loss we've experienced in the past couple of years-- we have also answered a call into part-time youth ministry at First Methodist Church in Albertville.  (I promise there will be more on this subject later!)  We started that new part-time job on Sept. 9th.  So we know, we are not here for our comfort, or our pleasure!  We know God is up to something BIG in our lives, and I am so thankful that He chooses to use unqualified, undeserving sinners to work miracles in His amazing master plan!  As always, your prayers are appreciated!

a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

One day, I will seriously blog about something funny or nonsensical or entertaining... one day. Today unfortunately is not that day. Today, I will continue the outpouring of my soul to an anonymous no one that is my completely reader-less blog (a fact for which I am extremely thankful because I understand fully well that this isn't going to be pretty!). Today, I am sad. And if you know me... you know that I don't do sad very well. I don't like sad. Who does?! I also, for some reason, don't think I can be sad in front of anyone that I know or love because I worry more about the pain I'm causing them than the pain I'm experiencing myself. So I'll be sad on my blog today.. again.
 
Mothers Day 2012 was actually one of the toughest days I've experienced yet. You see, for about 16 days prior to Mother's Day 2012... I was a mother. No, I never held my baby. I never even saw him or her on an ultrasound, but I was pregnant for about 16 days, and as crazy as it sounds, I now believe motherhood starts at conception. The feelings of protectiveness, selflessness-- they pretty much start from day one. For 16 days, Jefforey and I experienced an unbelievable gift! We were overjoyed, and against my better judgement-- unable to keep our secret. We just shared our exciting news with our closest friends and family members, but still... I had reservations about this joy. See, we have walked through unbelievably dark times with several of our dearest friends through the pain of infertility, multiple miscarriages and even still birth. Pregnancy is different than having a baby. I knew that. I also knew that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage... still, the joy was uncontainable. It was a joy unlike anything I've ever known or experienced. Every moment was filled with dreams for what his or her future would hold, what holding him or her the first time would feel like, what he or she would look like, act like, etc. Still.. I had my reservations.

I believe God was preparing my heart for the news I received on Thursday, May 3rd. I went to my 6 wks doctor's appointment for my first ultrasound, and they did not see anything except obvious early signs of pregnancy. I was assured that everything looked fine, but I was probably just earlier into the pregnancy than we thought. I wouldn't know anything until Monday when I got my 2nd round of bloodwork to compare my pregnancy hormone levels to be sure. My gut told me that we may experience loss, but Susie Sunshine here-- I just ignored my gut and kept my happy self situated firmly on the bright side. Glass half full, please! I went on to the beach for my best friend's bachelorette party I had been planning and kept reading my "What to Expect" books.

On Monday, I had 2 major events to manage, but also had to get my blood work checked to see if my hormone levels were increasing or decreasing. I got the call at my VIP luncheon I was managing, the news was not good, yet I did not even allow myself a second to shed a tear. I took the news that my numbers were decreasing, and that I would likely start bleeding soon, making the miscarriage "official." I kept moving at light speed because I didn't have time to be sad. I had events to run. My eyes welled up with tears, which I quickly blinked away. I got yogurt and a Dr. Pepper, and went on about my day. I told everyone (almost) that knew we were pregnant in a text like this..."Well.. the good news is I can have caffeine again, and the nausea that's been my constant companion might actually go away for a while... the bad news is.. we aren't going to have a baby in December any more:( but God is in control, and I'm resting in the Sovereignty of the Almighty today. Hopefully someday soon, I will get to share more good news with you!" I've never thought that denial would be a coping mechanism I would use. Now, distraction on the other hand... I'm a big fan of! So for days, I have distracted myself with anything and everything possible. First it was the bachelorette trip I had planned the day I first got the news. Then, it was an overwhelming work load when I got the REAL news. Then, it was an even MORE overwhelming work load when the miscarriage process actually began... which I didn't handle quite as well just because my body all but REFUSED to allow me to be distracted. And THEN... my overwhelming work load (AKA the Tour de Cure, my biggest event of the year) was over, and my boss (lovingly) forced me to take 2 days off. And now, I'm sad.

 I don't WANT anyone to see me being sad. I don't want to admit that there is darkness in me. I want so badly for people to ONLY see the light that is the reflection of God's love and hope in Jesus Christ in me. But I also believe that God made me an extreme extrovert for a purpose! I am an external processor if there has ever been one! Seriously, you might see my picture in a dictionary beside the term. I have to believe that God has me walking through this darkness for a reason-- a purpose that will reveal His Glory some way and somehow! I am resting in the comfort and indescribable peace that His plans for me are GOOD! He is sovereign, and in all things- He is in control!

This dark time has brought up a philosophical question-- can you see light without the existence of darkness? Isn't it true that a light shines much brighter in contrast to the dark? So maybe I am supposed to share that this trying time is painful. It is dark. When I allow myself to be alone with my thoughts with no distractions, I am SAD. Sure, this is NOTHING in comparison to what so many of my friends have had to walk through, but it still stinks. I was a Mother for 16 days, and now.. I'm not. I will never know this child, and that loss is real. I'm trying to learn that it is OK to be real... not just with myself, but with others. Showing sadness does NOT affect my faith. Hopefully, it can strengthen it. It is my prayer that God will allow others to see pain and healing and HOPE! But pretending to be fine-- to ignore the broken heart I have-- that cannot be the example I am supposed to lead... if so-- why would there be so many verses in the Bible about brokenness and sorrow.

Isaiah 26:3 ESV "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you"

1 Peter 5:7 ESV "Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

Psalm 147:3 ESV "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Psalm 34:18 ESV "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

Matthew 5:1-4 ESV "Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

1 Thessalonians 4:13 ESV "But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope."

Thank God I have hope. Thank God that He heals the brokenhearted... that HE provides comfort. Otherwise, I don't think it would be possible to be surrounded by babies and news about other expectant mothers everywhere I turn. The pain would be completely overwhelming. So for now, I am keeping my mind on Jesus. I am trusting God to bring us through this sadness. I am casting my anxieties on Him because He cares for me! I am going to be sad... admittedly SAD.. because He HEALS the brokenhearted. He binds their wounds. He is near to those of us who are crushed in spirit. He calls us BLESSED because He will comfort us. We do not have to grieve as others do, but that does NOT mean that we do not get to grieve! We just grieve with HOPE. Hope for tomorrow. Hope for a future because we can stand on promises that are REAL. Praise God!

 Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Freedom Friday- the freedom to THINK

I love Dr. Gina. If you don't listen to her, you should. Her conservative talk radio show (aired on WYDE 101.1 The Source from 4-7 p.m.) has become a new obsession of mine during my 1.5 hour commute. Every Friday, she has "Freedom Friday" on her show to discuss all things "freedom." Since I have decided that I pretty much want to BE her when I grow up, I think I will have the same Freedom Friday theme on my blog. I have lots of political thoughts in my head, and I have no where to share them... so buckle up. Plus, I figure this will help me blog weekly. It may not always be related to politics.. so don't automatically disregard if you aren't a political junkie like I am. :)

Warning: this post contains my advice on how to read an article and navigate the waters of political discourse. I am no genius on this topic by any means. I do not have degrees or certifications to justify the following advice. Although, I have taken a class or two on political communication and have read a few books on it. I find it fascinating... especially the book I read in one of my classes called "How to lie with statistics." I am quite convinced that 24 hour media (I refuse to call it news anymore) might be the cause of our nation's decline. I am writing to vent, but also because I care, and frankly, I am frustrated at how little my generation seems to know, and more importantly CARE, about what I perceive to be the downfall of our society. You know, the whole "boiling frog syndrome"--"people should make themselves aware of gradual change lest they suffer eventual undesirable consequences." (thank you for putting it so concisely, wikipedia)


Dr. Gina's recent article "Sex, lies and Stupidity" articulates my anger toward the lies being spewed from the left on the "war on women." I am so tired of hearing this birth control debate. In case you have been hiding under a rock, you may want to catch up by reading Melinda Henneberger's article or maybe take a glimpse on the other side. I have seen some of my friends post things like "I will never vote for anyone who wants to take away birth control..." implying Rick Santorum would immediately call for a cease and desist on all manufacturing of contraception. As if he would storm into your homes on a white horse and collect condoms, pills and more and place them in a ginormous pile on the white house lawn and set fire to them at his inauguration party.

Lesson #1 for these "snippet only" readers/listeners. Get the whole story and for the love, please consider your sources.
Lesson #2- Please don't be stupid and fall for everything you hear. I'm not asking you to share my beliefs, but only to THINK CRITICALLY for yourself. There are LOTS of political strategists, pundits, "journalists" who make a nice living crafting stories that they think you will buy. Unfortunately, a lot of people are buying without caring to read the labels these days. Our generation is particularly guilty of requiring immediate gratification and taking the easy way out while we are bombarded by more information than we can possibly process. We are a generation hooked to the microwave, the remote or even worse... the DVR scheduler app on our phones, headlines and news tickers. We have so much information available from every angle. Sure... a lot of good things have come from our many conveniences, but a lot of bad habits are developing as well. Like taking someone being paid (handsomely) for their opinion's word as fact and not caring to read into it.

My simplistic take on this debate-- for what it's worth.

I am NOT against birth control. In fact, I've been a big fan for the past 5 years. That is no secret. I do NOT want to pay for your birth control or anyone else's. Honestly, I dislike paying for mine! Someone saying they do not want to PAY for your birth control does not mean that they want to prevent or restrict your access. This is a FINANCIAL debate, but some people are choosing to make it an EMOTIONAL one because they don't want you to think about the money! We cannot afford Obamacare. PERIOD. Think critically. Do you believe that the left is actually concerned about the morality of this issue? No! If you fall victim to that line of thinking...here is a newsflash: They are USING YOU!!! They over-emotionalize EVERY issue so that YOU will do what they want you to do. Heartstrings are tied tightly around other strings... kind of like a marionette. If anyone tugs enough at issues you care about, you will empty your wallet (or care less when the government does) or take some sort of desired action. It is what it is! In every instance, I would strongly encourage you to sort through the emotion. When all else fails, follow the money trail because that is almost always what every issue is about.

Every time I get on this soap box, I can hear Aaron Tippin singing in the background "You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything. You've got to be your own man not a puppet on a string.." Sadly, I don't know who wrote that song or even who first said the quote (seems to be some debate between Alex Hamilton, Malcolm X, Peter Marshall, Ginger Rogers... whoever gets credit, it makes a lot of sense!)

If we do not start standing for freedom, for the Constitution-- then America will fall with us when we take a gigantic tumble. Let's stand up for a balanced budget-- not just the politicians that SAY they want one, but will do nothing about it. Let's stand up for our rights-- those God-given and those outlined in the Constitution! Stand up for America and start educating yourself about candidates that you want leading this country. If we aren't actively standing, then we are going to start actively falling.

Healing

It has been two weeks since Granddaddy died, and I know I am forever changed. If you missed the details of this nightmarish week and wanted to know them, you should check out my sister's log The Ladners' Latest: A Week I'd Like To Forget .

It is kind of weird... I think I am less emotional than ever actually. For instance, this week one of our beloved dogs died in a freak accident that was truly terrible. Before my experience with real loss, I would have been devastated. But when Jefforey called to tell me the news, I barely cried. If you know me, you realize what an amazing feat that is. This is coming from a girl that can fill a bucket of tears from 1 sappy commercial or God forbid I hear a sappy song about Daddies and little girls when I'm alone in my car. But seriously, when Sadie died I was hurt and sad, and I shed a tear or two, but it was not the full scale come-apart I would have expected. Not because I didn't love Sadie...she was a sweet, precious dog, and I adored her, but because it paled in comparison to the hurt I still feel everyday for my granddaddy.

This picture was taken a few months ago after I cut his hair for the first time. He was very concerned about losing his hair-- and he never lost it all. We laughed that he--at 86 after taking chemo for 4 months-- still had more hair than Jefforey does at 28 :)



I think about him every day, but thankfully, it is not just sad thoughts. It is incredible memories, and man... there were plenty to go around. I hit a few in my eulogy, but I am so blessed to have SO many from which to choose. My sister shared many others in her "Remembering a Hero" I am finding that the hardest part is switching my conversations about him to past tense. And of course, my heart flip flops every time my phone rings from their house because it says "Granddaddy's" on my phone. It's the little things, but I'm moving on. Working non-stop has helped keep me distracted, but my heart is completely over-flowing with love and gratitude to the many friends, neighbors and co-workers who have sent kind thoughts, prayers, cards and food our way. I cannot tell you how much comfort you have provided me and my family. I will never be able to thank you enough.

I am humbled and thankful mostly to my Savior. God has revealed Himself to me in a mighty way through this as the Master Healer. Proverbs 4:20-22 says, "My child, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Do not let them escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh." Amen!


Read more Healing Verses here or in your Bible any time :)

I love my Granddaddy

It is only fitting that this celebration of my Granddaddy's life is happening on a Sunday afternoon. I have spent almost all of the Sunday afternoons of my life with my Granddaddy. He always cooked the most elaborate amazing meals on Sunday afternoons for our family and anyone who wanted to join us. There were times when we would have 30 people from our youth group eating lunch with my Granddaddy after church! Even when he was too sick to stand, and mom or I would bring food over, he would still pull up a chair and cook something for us. There will not be a single day (especially Sundays) that goes by that I will not miss my Granddaddy until I see him again in Heaven. He has touched SO many lives, and it has been a blessing to our family to hear all the kind things everyone has said about him in the past couple of days. I hope he will be able to see now how much he was loved by everyone that knew him. He was incredibly humble, and every time I would tell him how wonderful he was, he was laugh dismissively and say that I must be confusing him with someone else. As long as I can remember (even longer, by what I'm told).. I have always been a "Granddaddy's girl." He always said we had to make up for lost time because when I was born, he had shingles, and he couldn't hold me for several weeks. There are pictures of him looking in the screen door at me when they'd come to visit. They said from the first time he held me, we have been attached at the hip. I am so thankful that I have had 26 years of being loved by one of the greatest men on earth. One of the saddest parts of all of this, and my only "regret" if you can call it that.... is that my children (if God decides to bless me with them one day) will not be able to know and be loved by Granddaddy.

My granddaddy was my real American hero. He dropped out of school in 6th grade to work on his family's farm. (Although, he later used part of his GI bill to go through "continuation school" when he returned from the war.) He was drafted into the Army when he was 18 to fight in World War II. He always said he was "just a poor ole plowboy" from Asbury, but I know better-- he was one of the richest, smartest, bravest men in the world! Until he was drafted, he had never been further than Gadsden, and he had to hitch a ride to Guntersville where his orders had him report to be transported to basic training. My granddaddy is the only person I can remember ever hearing about who actually gained weight during basic training! I can't imagine how scared he must have been headed from the farm across the world. When he was in the Army, he made stops at Fort Benning, Anniston, Kentucky, England, Germany, France and Belgium. Every time it got really cold outside, he would talk about how it was nothing compared to how cold he was around Christmas in 1944 when he was walking and sleeping in the knee-deep snow in Germany. He was great at helping me keep things in perspective, but he never did it in a condescending way. He was wounded in the Battle of the Bulge on January 15, 1945...just 26 days after he officially entered combat. He was only 19 years old when he lost his right eye after being shot off the back of a tank. When he was shot, he had the wherewithal and courage to roll out of the tank tracks to avoid being run over and then follow the medic almost a mile to a safer place. He selflessly served our country and sacrificed so much for all of us... but that was just the beginning of his bravery.

He had a medical history list at least two pages long. He has had so many "scares"-- 3 heart attacks. Open heart surgery, 5 stents, hip replacement, knees, elbows, sinuses and several surgeries on the way to recovery from his eye replacement/reconstruction. He always pulled through it despite the long odds. So naturally, when he was diagnosed with lung cancer in September, we believed that if anyone could beat it, he could. On Wednesday of this week, he was feeling much better than he had been feeling-- probably because he was receiving fluids and nutrition intravenously. He said "I believe I'm going to beat this after all, and then I'll be your poster-child for beating cancer in your 80s." He fought cancer about 7 months enduring malnutrition, dehydration, extreme weakness and nausea. He was a trooper until the very end... always trying to smile and stay positive, at least while I was around.

Of course, his military history is impressive and a huge source of pride for me, but it is NOT the main reason he was my hero. In fact, we rarely, if ever, talked about his service except maybe on the occasional veteran's day school project until his grandson-in-laws came along. He was my hero because he loved more than anyone I have ever known. I have learned so much from him over the years, and I will try to be more like him every day.

He taught me to always think of others before thinking of myself. He always said it was more important for him to make other people happy than to be happy himself, and I know firsthand that he lived that motto every single day. I know because I was usually the beneficiary! He was incredibly thoughtful in big and small ways. He wanted us to believe in ourselves... even as fishermen. He used to love fishing in his pond, and we would go fishing all the time. I thought I was the BEST fisherman on the planet! Little did I know, my confidence was artificially inflated because he went out to his pier every day and fed those fish at the same time that we would be fishing. He did that so the fish would be conditioned to come up and eat so when we had a lure in the water... they would eat that too. Seriously, one time I hadn't even dropped my worm all the way in the water and a fish jumped up and got it! Granddaddy just said I had a special touch :), and I believed him.... until I tried fishing later in life and didn't get a bite all day!

He taught me what to look for in a husband-- someone who gives selflessly and loves unconditionally. He served my Granny (some would call that "spoiled my Granny rotten") for 62 years, and he loved her so much it hurts. He cooked, cleaned, worked in the yard, drove her around delivering Avon. There is nothing he wouldn't do for her. He would cut and peel her an apple every day. He would cut and paint her toenails. I never heard him complain about doing something for her. He showed love by serving her, and boy, does their love story inspire! They met while he was working at a service station, and she was at the telephone company. It was something like love at first sight, and they were engaged 4 weeks after they met, married 2 weeks after that in July 1949. Through his selfless devotion, he taught me to give and love sacrificially, and I hope I can love half as much as he did.

He was a man who sacrificed anything/everything to make those around him happier. One of my favorite stories from the war was about Christmas night. He said that they were given some R&R around an old farmhouse. They were given chocolate bars, and he was so excited to be able to rest and relax and just enjoy some chocolate. Several of the men were wishing wistfully for some hot chocolate, and he overheard them. So he took his time of rest and went down to milk one of the cows, and he melted the chocolate bars in a cup over the fire to give his comrades a special Christmas gift! That is just the kind of man he was... he would rather see others happy than do what he wanted.

He taught me that it is better to give than to receive. Granddaddy was incredibly generous with both time and money. There is nothing that he would not do for me (or anyone for that matter). He would drop what he was doing any time I needed him. I remember in Kindergarten, I had a tough time making the transition of hanging out with my mom or grandparents during the day to full time school. So after about 2 weeks, I would cry every day around nap time until Mrs. Baugh would let me call my Granddaddy to pick me up. Until I could drive, Granddaddy picked me up everyday after school and took me to his house or wherever I had to go. He used to drive that old Aqua Oldsmobile and wear his "taxi driver hat" to pick us up and chauffeur us around town. I loved those afternoons where I would tell him all about my day while eating some special treat he had created just for me. They weren't basic either... always something fun and fancy like pears with whip cream and cherries on top or lime sherbet shakes or really anything I asked for! Not to mention the elaborate lunches or dinners he would cook. When I heard about a 4 course meal, I thought people were skimping because at Granddaddy's house, we sometimes had to have 2 plates to get just sample of everything he would cook for us! When I lived in Auburn or in Birmingham, he would send tubs full of food with me every time I left so my roommates could enjoy his goodies too. He always said he wished he could cook dinner for me everyday, and I wished it too!

And he was always trying to give me money. If I refused (which was almost impossible... he could be very persuasive!), he would just sneak it into my purse or cheerleading bag. I would pick it up and wonder what in the world happened because it would be 10 pounds heavier than when I brought it in the door because he had snuck rolls of quarters into my bag when I wasn't looking. When we needed a car, he gave us his. When we needed help with our down payment for our house, he never questioned it... just gave us what we needed. He was the most generous person I have ever known.

He was a thoughtful, servant-hearted man who loved his family and never held anything back. You never had to wonder how he felt about you. He always told you in word and deed that he loved you. At the hospital, he was so gracious to all of his nurses, and he told several of them that he loved them. On Thursday night, the last time he was awake... he told us to make sure we took $100 out of his drawer and bought all of his nurses at the cancer center and at the hospital some cupcakes, cookies and other treats that he had wanted to make for them, but hadn't had a chance. Some of the last things he said were, "I love you, and I know you love me, and that is all that really matters. I guess I've said all that I have to say!" And he had... he hadn't waited until his death bed either. He had told me how he felt his entire life, and lived a life with no regrets.

I want to be more like him everyday because I believe that he is one of the best examples of Jesus I have ever seen. Every time I told him that, he would be confused saying things like "well I don't even get to go to church any more or I don't know that much about the Bible... I just know that you're supposed to love everybody." I think that just made him an even purer example of Jesus. He was humble, and he understood the things that really matter. I think that our rules and doctrine can sometimes get in the way of loving people like Jesus did. We can even get so caught up in "church" that we miss the big picture. Granddaddy may not have been as "discipled" or educated on doctrine as he would have liked to have been, but he understood the biggest commands of all and lived them 100% of the time. When Jesus was asked the most important of his commandments, in Luke 10:27 "And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.” I have NO doubt that Granddaddy did exactly that, and I am thankful to have a peace and know where Granddaddy is today. We are born sinful and selfish. There is no way, without the guidance of the Holy Spirit, any man could love and serve his fellow man like Granddaddy did.

I have always known that God is Love. My Granddaddy helped me learn how much God must love us in a couple of different ways. God's love is perfect and so amazing. I cannot comprehend it fully with my tiny human mind, but watching Granddaddy suffer (especially during the past week, which is miniscule suffering compared to what he endured) I believe that allowed me to get to know my God a little better, and I'm trying so hard to be grateful for that. God-- divinely sovereign, in charge of ALL things in this life (very unlike me in my silly attempt in the control-freak nature I have!)-- willingly gave His one and only perfect, sinless Son to SUFFER and die. He could have easily changed things and took Jesus off the cross and back into Glory. But he didn't... for us. He could have easily taken away Granddaddy's pain, but he didn't, and I believe he allowed that suffering so we could understand him a little better and get another glimpse of His great love for us. On Tuesday, Granddaddy was told he could not have food or drink by mouth because he could no longer swallow properly, and he was aspirating food/drink into his lungs (causing the pneumonia), and he was struggling to breathe. It is hard to watch someone you love dehydrate, starve and suffocate. But our suffering was nothing new to our Savior. I know I do not have children yet, but I have always been told that as much as you love your parents, your husband, your siblings... you don't know anything about love until you hold your son or daughter. I cannot imagine how much God loved His Son, but I can only compare it to how much I love my Granddaddy, and I know I would have done ANYTHING in my power to end His suffering. God, with every ability to change it, ALLOWED His SON to suffer those same 3 things Granddaddy suffered and then some for a sinful race... for me. So we could have everlasting life united with our Savior. Glory to God. By His grace alone, we will see Granddaddy again one day. By His grace alone, we will get through this suffering and this loss. By His grace alone...

I will never forget the many wonderful memories I have with my Granddaddy-- the beach trips, the countless slumber parties, making play dough, building box houses, baking cookies or singing to him as he took his final breath. I will forever cherish every minute I spent in his loving arms, watching that easy smile, hearing his warm laughter. I am a much better person because of him, and I can only try to live a life that would make him proud. I think he would want his legacy to be one of love and generosity... making others happy. Please know that you were loved by him and take that love and share it with all of those you hold dear before it is too late. Remember that people cannot tell when you think about them... only when you act on those thoughts. Remember how much you were loved by one of the greatest men on earth and go and love everybody as much as you can in his memory.

Grieving Really Stinks

I started this post entitled "Honoring Granddaddy" because I have had every intention of writing his eulogy before he dies so I can read it to him in these last hours, but since I started writing... and realizing how incredibly self-centered I am... I realized how much I needed an opportunity to vent and pour out my heart. I need a chance to openly convey my grief and pain to an anonymous audience (at this moment.. I'm really thankful I don't have "followers" on this blog so I can more or less journal my ramblings for myself).

WARNING: This will probably NOT be a happy post, but I think it's time that I deal with some of these crazy emotions before I shatter. So instead of falling apart like an empty eggshell bashed by a hammer that breaks into tiny, useless pieces, I am attempting to purposefully crack this egg (my heart) and let the goop come out to become something healthy-- I want to make some scrambled eggs or something like that.

This week has easily been the most emotionally difficult week of my life. On Friday, I was working from home when I got a call from my mom who was very worried about Granddaddy. He had collapsed in the bathroom, and we needed to help him get up. I went over ASAP, but I actually followed an ambulance in. He was in worse shape than my mom had thought over the phone, and she'd called 911 when she arrived. The ambulance transported Granddaddy to Marshal Medical North. I am sure they do many things well at this local hospital, and I'm grateful for their service to our community. However, I have not had very good experiences there. Poppa died there, my mom almost died there... it's a scary place for me. But Huntsville was under a tornado warning, and we thought that the ambulance had to take him to the nearest hospital... so we stuck it out in Guntersville/Arab ER. A 1/4 bag of fluids, a chest xray (that could not have been properly reviewed) and a A LONG day of essentially zero help, Granddaddy was released. We beat the weather home, and I thought he was on the upswing. Saturday night, mom called again. She and Dad had gone over to help Granddaddy get off the toilet. He was too weak and sick to get up on his own. Sunday after church, I went to Granddaddy's like I have every Sunday while I have lived in Albertville. When I arrived, I called my sister immediately and told her they better make great time from Pensacola to Albertville or she would not have a chance to see my Granddaddy alive again. We brought him to the ER in Huntsville, and he was admitted. He has pneumonia, thrush, esophagitis. He has such difficulty swallowing (could be side effect of chemo, cancer or a stricture-- they aren't sure) that he has been aspirating a lot of stuff into his lungs. Now, he is NPO, and it is so tough to watch him starve and be thirsty.

Granddaddy was diagnosed with lung cancer in September 2011, and he has been fighting with all his strength against the cancer, the malnutrition, the chemo and physically, mentally and emotionally-challenging combination of all of these things since. My granddaddy is the strongest, bravest, most courageous man alive. He is my hero. This week, I have learned that watching your superman wasting away for months and then slowly suffering with very little hope of survival is one of the biggest challenges my faith has ever seen-- I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But as a silver lining, I am indescribably grateful to have this time with him. I have lived with the regret of things left unsaid with my Poppa. Not that I've ever hidden my emotions, it's not as if I even really struggled expressing my love and gratitude to Poppa, but I had MUCH more on my heart and in my head than what I told him. I WAS NOT THERE when it mattered. I did not visit him in the hospital, and I should have. I learned a very tough lesson-- people cannot tell when you think about them... only when you take action about them. They can't tell how much you love and appreciate them, unless you say the words, send them a card, visit them or DO something.

As I sit in his hospital room for the 2nd night shift in a row (low on sleep, food, emotional fortitude)after hearing (about 20 hours ago) our always and sometimes overly optimistic oncologist say that Granddaddy will likely be with us only another 24-48 hours... I am praising God for the life that this incredible man has led. I am beyond thankful to have the opportunity to spend these last days by his side and tell him how much he means to me. I am able to come to terms with a reality in which my granddaddy is no longer with me. I have literally dreaded this day (or tomorrow or whatever day the Lord finally decides to call Granddaddy home) as long as I can remember. See, my Granddaddy has had several "scares" over the years. So many to the point that every time the phone rings after around 10 p.m., I freak out thinking that something has happened to Granddaddy, but he is a survivor. He has ALWAYS survived despite all odds. Until I experienced the loss of a close family member last February with Poppa, I believed that my granddaddy would be the first to go. And until I learned through that loss how to handle grief, I truly believed I could not survive the loss of my Granddaddy and selfishly prayed that he would live forever! The past few months-- culminating in the past few days specifically-- have been almost unbearable to watch. My once vivacious Granddaddy has diminished from a strong 6'1 heavy frame, to diminished 5'8 or so 120 lb. skin and bone. His eyes that once sparkled with life, love and hope now only dully beg for mercy from Our Creator to take him away from this pain.

I have learned that I go into a really weird production mode when I am grieving for someone I love probably (at least in prideful part) to avoid the "ugly cry" in front of my friends and family. I try to take charge of the stressful/grieving situation probably because I am deflecting the complete loss of control I feel by over-controlling some smaller or more insignificant detail in my life. In this case, I showed off my inner control-freak by keeping a detailed record of the timing of the medications/treatments my granddaddy has been receiving and/or constantly re-organizing and cleaning the living space here at our happy home-away-from-home, the "Huntsville Hospital Hilton Presidential Suite" AKA MST1757. I am trying to figure out why I do this..I think I feel like I have to be strong and be happy no matter what happens because I'm such an emotional person, and I understand that people are influenced by others' emotions. If I'm happy-- I can make others happy. If I'm a basketcase, I will make others a basketcase. I also feel like I have to show that I never waiver in my faith of my Sovereign Savior...It is God's will, and I know it's for the best. I WANT to be as strong as I act, and it's only through God's grace I can do it! But it's almost a "fake it til you make it" moment. I have to act as if I NEVER question His will, which honestly is a bold-faced lie. Who doesn't question God's sovereignty in the face of suffering?! Not I, although I usually try not to admit it-- at least out loud!

Another thing I have learned through all of this mess... How much God must love us. His love is perfect and so amazing. I cannot comprehend it fully with my tiny human mind, but this suffering (or watching Granddaddy suffer, which is suffering to some degree) has allowed me to get to know my God a little better, I think, and I'm trying so hard to be grateful for that. God-- divinely sovereign, in charge of ALL things in this life (very unlike my silly attempt in the control-freak nature I have!)-- willingly gave His one and only perfect, sinless Son to SUFFER and die. Granddaddy cannot have food or drink by mouth and he is struggling to breathe. It is hard to watch someone you love dehydrate, starve and suffocate. But God, with every ability to change it, ALLOWED His SON to suffer these 3 things and then some for a sinful race... for me. So we could have everlasting life united with our Savior. Glory to God. By His grace alone, we will see Granddaddy again one day. By His grace alone, we will get through this suffering and this loss. By His grace alone...