Pregnancy insomnia is a strange creature. Why in the world is it that when I actually need the most sleep, I am awakened by some all-encompassing thoughts at the most inopportune times? I mean, I am uncomfortable. I get that. The gas pains, the heartburn, the achy body.... they wake me up, but usually, in my sleep-deprived state, I slip on back to snooze-ville completely unaware of the world around me. Many times, I'm able to sleep through anything to a dangerously scary fault! Ah, but not while growing a tiny human that needs me to get as much rest as humanly possible. I find myself awake at 3:30 a.m.. Pondering the world's idiosyncrasies, and wondering why in the world we didn't store our baby gear better?! (You know, that million dolllar travel system that was "an investment" for our family... In the move, we discovered that it's all mildewy and covered in cat hair!) Also, I was snippy with Trace a little more than usual today. That made my heart hurt. Especially as he climbed into bed with me and snuggled me in his sleepy 3-year-old way, where he and his charming bed head cannot get close enough to me. I breathed in his precious scent and realized that if I weren't awake, I would miss the way he just woke up (ever so slightly) and looked at me, with his sleepy eyes and realized all was right in his world because I was there. He nuzzled even closer than would seem humanly possible, and I didn't care that my hips felt like (what I assume) a 90 year old woman, or that I was awake even though my body craved sleep, and I would certainly pay for this insomnia later. I realized that I could change my perspective and be thankful that I experienced this moment, because it will pass far too quickly. He is growing up so fast... changing before my very eyes. A day will come soon when he won't want me anywhere close to him. I have heard it said, and I repeat it often... the days are long, but the years are short. I know "grieving" is too strong of a word, but I am feeling rather nostalgic these days, as we are in the "home stretch" of this pregnancy. We are about to welcome a baby brother into our home. There are so many moments when I have NO idea what kind of chaos is about to come, and I find myself a little fearful to mess up the beautiful rhythm that we have found ourselves in lately. How can my life continue to be "this good" when it seems that everyone around me is dealing with devastation and loss at every turn. How could I possible continue to be so blessed. So I find myself waiting for the piano to drop. Things have been so good, as we settled into Granny's home and I feel her presence enveloping us in love and family history. Trace has been so good-- he is a little comedian that keeps me rolling in the floor with his intentional humor. He is kind and empathetic in ways I cannot understand. He is JOY (and downright quality entertainment!) in every single sense of the word. Marriage has been so good.... just a beautiful reflection of God's indescribable love for us despite our flaws. I am surrounded by loving family and supportive people who pour into me on a daily basis-- at home, at work, in my volunteer endeavors. My schedule is full, but my heart is so much fuller. In my insomnia-induced reverie, I am thankful beyond words for God's many blessings...so much that it overtook me, and I HAD to get up. I HAD to release this melody in my heart or I might explode! There's so much love in there! And I didn't show it well today. I let ugliness of my swollen, 32 weeks pregnant flesh in the sweltering sauna of a 100+ degree day of an Alabama summer win today. I didn't choose joy. I didn't choose love. I chose grumpy. What a waste! What a waste of the grace and love I've been given. Not today. Today, I may be exhausted. Scratch that, I am sure that I will be. I was pooped long before my 4 hours of sleep that should've been at least 8. But I will choose to remember that sweet moment--not when the precious 3 year old's knee found my hernia-tender belly for the 15th time in 30 minutes-- but when I realized that if he weren't in the bed with me... if I weren't inexplicably awake... I would've missed that precious snuggly moment. That sweet face. The tenderness of his touch as he pulled me closer and put his face on my face. It's all about changing my perspective. I might be having a few little blood pressure issues and swelling that makes me resemble a hippopotamus, but I am so thankful I am able to bear children! I may not be able to stay home with my babies, but I am able to love them and raise them. And in my absence, while I'm working at a ridiculously accommodating and flexible job that I love, getting to make a difference in my community and do my part to make the world a better place, my mother, who is God's gift to ALL children, especially my own, is able to care for and love my babies and be a major part of their lives. My to-do list might be 5 miles long (and it is, I'm pretty sure... I mean, I haven't actually measured it, but it's a tad overwhelming to say the least), and I might have to listen to my body and not work as long as I need to in order to accomplish the 1/4 of it that is actually critical in terms of deadline and importance. But today, I WILL CHOOSE JOY. I won't be short-tempered. I won't let that win. Not even when my candy-loving preschooler pushes the limits for the 50th time and climbs the cabinets like a spider monkey to knock over the supper that I didn't feel like making on his disobedient way to getting candy that is certainly rotting his teeth out of his skull. Today, love wins. Grace wins-- for myself and for others. JOY WINS! And if you need a reminder of what joy looks like.... here you go. From our beach trip last week, which encompassed and represented every ounce of joy I feel in my heart. My beach-loving boy ... (of whom the picture is too dark and unedited, but GRACE! Grace!!) ...since I couldn't snap a picture of the snuggly version that prompted this post without risking waking him up :)
