Forgiven and Loved.

Wow. It has been a long time!  I have seriously not blogged in a over a year.  This realization just hit me, as I sit here perusing my blog to avoid the inevitable... the work that stubbornly remains after a 12+ hour work day, and a really restless night with a borderline sick baby.  The sad thing is... I haven't "forgotten" to blog per se. I'm realizing it has been on my to do list, and on my mind everyday for 15 months!  It just seems that blogging is constantly located on that never-ending list of "things I hope to get to today," but never quite makes it up the priority flagpole to the "things that will cause my world to collapse if they don't get done today" list.  And so it is.... life as a mom of an overactive toddler, full-time Foundation Director, "part-time" youth director, organization president, board of directors member x3, runner, wife, daughter, granddaughter, friend, lover of Jesus....

I use my blog as a release or escape, and I have not even let myself escape in 15 months?!  Yikes.  Just add it to my "I've really gotta get better at ____" list.

Is this real life?  Am I the only mama that feels like I am failing at everything I do these days?  The guilt is ridiculous, and I am realizing that if I don't overcome it... it will most certainly overtake me!  I am choosing today to take a stand on guilt-- To not fall victim to the Father of Lies and his condemnation that "I'm just not good enough" because I am a child of the Risen King!  I am a chosen, loved, prized possession of the King of Kings, and the Jesus in me makes me ANYTHING but a failure! Tonight, I am choosing to walk in the Victory of Jesus Christ and claim who and what I am in Him. I won't compare myself to others, or even to the best (impossible) version of myself that I envision with my idealistic, perfectionist brain!  Tonight, I am doing what I can (blogging and working and....) and NOT WORRYING about what I can't!

In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus tells us, "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Praise God we can get rid of the heavy burdens we so often put on ourselves! Thoughts and self-talk are such powerful tools. I refuse to give the devil the ability to have a stronghold in my life. Tonight, I am ditching the mommy guilt....the work guilt...the wife guilt... the guilt for not having enough guilt ;0)  No more claiming a "guilt complex" here.  I won't speak it! I will do my part to recognize the difference between Condemnation and Conviction!  I will call out the condemnation because I know I am forgiven and free!  Free to take an accidental 15 month hiatus from my own blog.  Free to spend precious time doing something I enjoy and need as a release in my life....

If you find yourself singing some pretty poetic words from Jimmy Needham's "Forgiven and Loved" like I have...

"But my joy has been on holiday
And my peace has almost passed away
Tell me I’m forgiven and free"

Then, continue singing this lyrical lullabye to your burdened soul until you are resting in the comforting arms of our Savior!

"O He died, He died to rectify my hopeless situation
And His blood commands my guilt to leave
Now on Calvary I stand
Empty pockets, open hands
O there is no condemnation for me.

 Child, you’re forgiven and loved."

Yes and amen! Onward and Upward, friends! I promise I will try to write a fun post with cute pictures of my wild boy before he's completely grown for those that are interested!

Healing

It has been two weeks since Granddaddy died, and I know I am forever changed. If you missed the details of this nightmarish week and wanted to know them, you should check out my sister's log The Ladners' Latest: A Week I'd Like To Forget .

It is kind of weird... I think I am less emotional than ever actually. For instance, this week one of our beloved dogs died in a freak accident that was truly terrible. Before my experience with real loss, I would have been devastated. But when Jefforey called to tell me the news, I barely cried. If you know me, you realize what an amazing feat that is. This is coming from a girl that can fill a bucket of tears from 1 sappy commercial or God forbid I hear a sappy song about Daddies and little girls when I'm alone in my car. But seriously, when Sadie died I was hurt and sad, and I shed a tear or two, but it was not the full scale come-apart I would have expected. Not because I didn't love Sadie...she was a sweet, precious dog, and I adored her, but because it paled in comparison to the hurt I still feel everyday for my granddaddy.

This picture was taken a few months ago after I cut his hair for the first time. He was very concerned about losing his hair-- and he never lost it all. We laughed that he--at 86 after taking chemo for 4 months-- still had more hair than Jefforey does at 28 :)



I think about him every day, but thankfully, it is not just sad thoughts. It is incredible memories, and man... there were plenty to go around. I hit a few in my eulogy, but I am so blessed to have SO many from which to choose. My sister shared many others in her "Remembering a Hero" I am finding that the hardest part is switching my conversations about him to past tense. And of course, my heart flip flops every time my phone rings from their house because it says "Granddaddy's" on my phone. It's the little things, but I'm moving on. Working non-stop has helped keep me distracted, but my heart is completely over-flowing with love and gratitude to the many friends, neighbors and co-workers who have sent kind thoughts, prayers, cards and food our way. I cannot tell you how much comfort you have provided me and my family. I will never be able to thank you enough.

I am humbled and thankful mostly to my Savior. God has revealed Himself to me in a mighty way through this as the Master Healer. Proverbs 4:20-22 says, "My child, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Do not let them escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh." Amen!


Read more Healing Verses here or in your Bible any time :)