The things they forgot to put in the "warm cuddly baby brochure"

Warning:  This is a graphic post.  If you are not pregnant, never been pregnant or have no interest in understanding the sometimes odd and disgusting changes that a pregnant woman's body goes through... do yourself a favor.  Don't read any further.

This post is exclusively for girlfriends (known or unknown) who have honestly wanted to know what it's like to be pregnant from an extreme extrovert, self professed "over-sharer" who has no filter's perspective.  It will be more information than you think you want... until you are 8 months pregnant wondering WHY in the world no one ever told you these things! So please know... this post isn't for everyone.. proceed with caution.

Up front, I feel the need for a disclaimer-- I am about to tell you the good, but mostly just the bad and the ugly about my experiences with pregnancy thus far.  I do this not to scare you, or to complain; as I sit 30+ weeks pregnant with my first child, I write this post because I feel that I was grossly under-prepared for some of the pregnancy challenges I have faced, only to hear from my OB and friends that said challenge is "completely normal." Then why the heck didn't I know about it before?!  I have joked many times that they failed to mention ______ (fill in the blank with any one of the list of items I'm about to compile) in the "have a cute, cuddly baby" brochure.  Granted, I have not read every single pregnancy book out there.  I'm sure some people tried to warn me, but I must've missed a lot!  All of that said simply to say this.... I don't yet have that cute, cuddly baby, and I already know that every bit of the bad and ugly are ultimately and completely worth it. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I have truly been thankful for these symptoms because they have reminded me that I am, indeed, pregnant and blessed enough to bring a sacred life into this world. Every single item on this list is worth it just to feel that sweet baby move inside your womb!  Not any word or combination of words in the English language could ever describe that amazing feeling!  And no amount of pain or inconvenience could ever put a damper on that feeling.  It's magical!  And I know that it will pale in comparison to holding my baby boy for the first time and the whole host of amazing experiences his life will bring.

 So please know that while it's going to sound a WHOLE lot like I'm complaining when I bring these issues to light, I want you to know upfront-- that's not my intention.  I am SO glad I get to go through these things because I know many people who would love to have these "horrible" experiences and aren't able to... so I'm counting all of this list as blessings, but at the same time... I'm going to get real with you.  Just so you can never say that I didn't tell you about this stuff!  And I definitely do not claim to "know it all" about pregnancy by any stretch of the imagination... I'm a newbie, and I've had a GREAT pregnancy thus far according to the textbooks... so gosh, I realize how much worse everything could be!  Also, it's important to note that every single pregnancy is apparently as different as our fingerprints, but still... here's my 2 cents worth of observations of the cons of  a blessed, healthy pregnancy thus far.

I so badly wanted to be one of those women... you know the type, you probably have friends like the type... (I do, and I hate them right about now!) those that "feel better pregnant than they've ever felt in their lives".  You know them--  their skin has that beautiful effervescent tone, their hair and nails are flawless, their smile sparkles (and you can actually hear that "ding" like in the orbitz commercials), their bellies look like they swallowed a basketball because that's the ONLY place they look pregnant and they've never once been tired or nauseated during their entire pregnancies.  Jerks.  But darn it.. I wanted that part of the fairytale!  Maybe that's why I feel so slighted by these symptoms...or maybe it's because I felt prepared for parts of it and not others, and I feel like the whole list should get equal treatment!  I don't know, but for what it's worth....

Here's my top 10 things they forgot to list in the "have a warm, cuddly baby brochure":

1. Leg cramps- holy stinking cow.  I've had calf cramps before, but these are just mean.  Every night, when I'm not awoken by the unavoidable need to pee-- I am awoken by a vicious attack on my calf muscles, hamstrings, feet or hips.  They are no fun, and they are consistent! And the good news- they're normal, and no amount of potassium I ingest seems to help me avoid these little buggers.  So just get ready for that one. 
2. ACNE- My face looks like a pubescent teenager on steroids.  It is a hot mess! And I'm not happy about it. Stupid, evil hormones...
3. Pregnancy Rhinitis- Apparently, your body produces more mucus EVERYWHERE! And I have been sniffling with an awesome post-nasal drip, throat-clearing cough since about month Who knew that this was normal?!  Welcome to pregnancy!
4. Increased Discharge and Vaginal itching- I'm almost convinced that hormones are just evil demons that cause issues everywhere in your body.  This is one area I wish the hormones would just leave alone, but alas-- they don't.  You should just prepare yourself now to purchase some panty-liners and prepare to be uncomfortable.  That's all I can really tell you about that subject until you experience it.  Just know it's "normal."
5. Heartburn- Again, I thought I had experienced heartburn and indigestion a fair share in my lifetime.  Apparently, I only thought I knew what heartburn really was before pregnancy!  Until you are kept awake by stabbing pains, and you're convinced that you have become a fire-breathing dragon.. you know nothing of this pregnancy beast.  Indigestion
6. Shortness of breath- Woah.  This is a big one... especially if your job requires a lot of presentations.  This is also the one of the top 10 that snuck up on me the most!  I was trying to give a presentation to our board of directors... talking for an hour or so (no big deal), and it hit me... this tiny human has forced all of my internal organs especially my diaphragm and lungs up.  Everything is compressed, and the "new normal" is NOT to be confused with the olden days.  You can't breathe.  Ordinary activities make you feel like you've just completed an Ironman. Make plans accordingly.  Singing and speaking engagements should be taken with caution!
7. Forgetfulness-  that whole "placenta brain" phenomenon is no joke or excuse. Something happens to your memory when you're growing a human.  Maybe it's that you are always thinking of this little person, so you're already distracted on your best day... or maybe it's a combination of the other symptoms' wear on you... either way.  You will not be as productive or efficient, and you will forget why you've gone into the room you've just entered.  Make lots of notes for yourself... even if you're just going down the hall!  It's a must to surviving pregnancy brain.
8. Clumsiness- it's funny.  While some of your senses, like your sense of smell for example are heightened to the point of super-hero status....others, like balance or spatial awareness.. not so much!  It's like I have developed this orb attached to the center of my body, but although I see it constantly, I obviously forget it's there.  I knock stuff over and belly bump everything in sight.  The center of gravity shift is one of the more comical on my top 10.
9. Round ligament pain (RLP)- When you cough, sneeze, make a quick movement or sometimes just breathe, there will be moments of intense sharp pain in your pelvic area.  The first few times I experienced RLP, I thought something had to be wrong... I mean, I was to the point of penning a last will and testament, but no.  Just a normal pregnancy pain.  So never fear!  You actually get used to it.
10. Don't take bending over for granted! Oh my goodness... it's HARD to put on socks and shoes.  It's all but impossible to shave your legs.  This belly business complicates ordinary tasks to the point that you change your wardrobe if you're alone! I'd heard people talk about it, and I thought... "oh it's probably just hard."  But no.. it really becomes impossible to breathe and put your socks on at the same time. 

There are 5 "honorable mention" items worth mentioning. Things not making the list because I think they are pretty well covered in maintstream pregnancy literature, but you still won't understand their complexities until you experience them:

1. Morning Sickness-- whoever branded that title was LUCKY!  I never once felt sick only in the morning.  It is constant.  It is annoying.  I have never been a puker, but I got to the point that I PRAYED to puke (which I did my fair share of anyway), but the nausea didn't ever go away.  That's one reason I think I was so tired in the first 13 weeks... because I was constantly doing my best to not throw up 100% of the time I was awake.
2. Frequent Urination- it's an inconvenience all day, but at night-- super annoying.  The worst part to me... before pregnancy when you felt like your eyeballs were floating, and that you would DIE before you could empty your bladder... you went to the toilet and you had a gratifying 30 second PLUS pee.  You felt justified in your need to rush to the restroom!  Now, you have that same urgency for maybe 3 drops sometimes.  I don't know why I find that so irritating, but it's like the pain and the inconvenience just isn't worth it for 3 drops of pee.
3. Sleep interruption- (see number 2) It's not just the rush to the restroom, though.  I think it's a combination of the psycho crazy dreams, the anxiety of the changes you're preparing for and the regular discomforts of your new body.  Get yourself a good body pillow and a pregnancy wedge and prepare to lose some sleep. Apparently, it is just prep work for the months/years to come.
4.  Swelling- I knew it was unsightly, and I knew it was likely for some people, but what I didn't know was how uncomfortable it is.  It's hard to explain, but it just feels weird for your feet to look like stuffed sausages
5. Exhaustion- I thought I'd been tired before pregnancy, but yet again... I must not have ever really been tired.  Pregnant tired is a new tired... especially in the first trimester.  There were moments when I would come home from work to change into my bum around clothes, and I would fall asleep mid-change until Jefforey came home and found me asleep. There.are.no.words to describe this kind of tired, but if you're pregnant... you will soon understand.  Growing a human takes a lot of energy... even when you can't see it.  So EVERYTHING is more difficult, and the amount of tired you feel from getting out of bed is almost comical... if you weren't too tired to laugh about it.

So there you have it!  Hopefully this has better prepared you for what's to come!  Get ready... it's the ride of your life, for sure!  And obviously worth every inconvenience :)